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Why self-care isn't selfish

Exploring why caring for yourself can feel selfish, and what it means to give yourself permission to take care of your own needs.

Charlotte Walmsley

8/18/20263 min read

worm's-eye view photography of concrete building
worm's-eye view photography of concrete building

Why self-care isn’t selfish

Self-care comes in many forms, and I believe it is personal and unique, just like us as individuals. It could be having a relaxing bath, hiking a mountain or spending quality time with loved ones. Yes, it’s self-care, but that doesn’t mean it has to be something you do alone.

When I think of self-care, I think of something that refills my cup and makes me feel more grounded.

Life can be hectic, and it’s far too easy (and I talk from experience here) to let self-care slip. Maybe you feel that time spent looking after yourself could be better spent doing the dishes, tackling the pile of ironing or answering those work emails that never seem to end. Or perhaps you feel obliged to keep plans when you’re exhausted and would rather slump on the sofa.

Believe it or not, slumping on the sofa watching TV can be an act of self-care.

Perhaps there is a feeling of guilt attached to making space for yourself. A feeling that putting your own needs first is somehow selfish.

The saying really is true: how do you pour from an empty cup?

And I get it. When you have the demands of family life, work and simply keeping afloat, it’s not always that simple.

So why can self-care feel selfish?

It can stem from the way we see ourselves, from what we have learnt through the behaviour of others, or from wider societal expectations.

When we struggle with our self-esteem or self-worth, it can become easier to put our own needs at the bottom of the list. We might begin to believe that our place is second to everyone else’s needs or to life’s demands.

But a belief can feel like a fact without actually being one.

Sometimes, the expectations of those around us can add to this. Family, friends and work can all place demands on our time, and we can begin to feel obliged to meet them. We can’t simply escape all of life’s demands- some are unavoidable, and some are deeply ingrained in society.

It’s about finding a healthy balance.

Perhaps you could make an appointment with yourself. Make it non-negotiable. It could be ten minutes or a whole day. It all adds up.

And if you find yourself easily cancelling that appointment, ask yourself: if this was a friend or a work meeting, would it be as easy to cancel?

If not, why is it so much easier to cancel this time for yourself?

So how can you challenge it?

There is no magic wand. It takes time, compassion towards yourself and reflection.

Gently ask yourself what might be preventing you from allowing yourself the space for self-care. If there is a belief sitting underneath it, try to sense-check it.

For example:

“I’m too busy.”

Really? Are you too busy, or have you simply decided that your needs can wait?

Counselling can be a helpful place to explore these questions. There may be patterns of behaviour or feelings within yourself that leave you feeling stuck or overwhelmed. Taking the time to unpick and understand them isn’t always easy, but having a warm, compassionate and non-judgemental space to explore them can be enlightening.

When I first heard the term self-care, I didn’t truly understand what it meant. I remember thinking, what actually is it? It felt like another task I had to find time for. And if I’m honest, I thought it was some kind of luxury that simply didn’t fit with my personality.

Well, how wrong I was.

Self-care doesn’t have to look a particular way.

It can be resting. Laughing. Doing nothing. Saying no. Asking for help. Going for a walk. Spending time with someone you love. Cancelling plans. Keeping plans.

Whatever genuinely helps you feel more like yourself.

Start to notice when you feel positive, happy, relaxed or content. What are you doing when you feel like that? How can you make more space for those moments?

There may be your answer.

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s giving yourself permission to notice and respond to your own needs.